Sometimes the awareness never comes... the awareness that; I keep enduring and suffering through the same relationships over and over again. At what point does one pause and wonder, maybe am I a part of the problem? A recognition beyond-- I never should have dated him or her, no... that's not the kind of recognition I am speaking of here. I am talking about a recognition that there is something below the surface, some program, some ingrained thought pattern that is driving this and manifesting as either poor partner selection or having something good and sabotaging it. At what point does one sit with this possibility or are there cases where this never even crosses someone's mind? It is always and endlessly the other person's fault?
Let me spin this a bit, bear with me.
If it is always the other person's fault, you are admitting that you are powerless over your own life. It doesn't make you look like a poor innocent waif, no, it is an admittance that you are entirely unwilling to assume responsibility for yourself and have handed all power and control over to the other counterpart in the relationship to run you over and treat you as they see fit. Is this true, then? Is it all their fault? You didn't have a choice or say in anything? You are subject solely to the whim and jurisdiction of your partner?
We don't see it until we stop. This world and it's systems have done a thorough job to teach us how to simply jump from one thing to another, nearly without thought or analyzing. Unless we stop and consider what just happened, we won't see our part. We will just move right into the next relationship, feeling emptied from the last relationship, seeking to be filled again without considering how we may have emptied ourselves, too. OR emptied the other person (oh yes, they may hurt too)
If we stop, if we remain on our own for a bit and zoom out to see if there are any patterns or ways that we have contributed to the dissolution of a relationship. There are situations where the other person was simply cruel and had no intention of pouring into the relationship. There are occasions where someone is unconsciously harming others. There are times where you really did show up with your best self and you were taken advantage of. These things absolutely happen! But these wouldn't be patterns, they wouldn't be things we keep seeing showing up in some facet or form from connection to connection. These connections I'm speaking of don't have to be romantic, this is across the board.
If we are always reaching for a cigarette; a drink, our phone, the remote control or the keys to go shopping--- its hard to see the patterns because we're just painting right over whatever just ended without giving it any other thought than; f*ck them, they were just like the others. Let me tell you, that is a lot of power to give to them and that is a whole lot of deflecting and scapegoating coming from you! We repeat what we don't heal. If it keeps showing up, its pointing to something that isn't healed. If you don't want to keep experiencing the same pain, start asking yourself why, and listen.
I don't know everything but I do know how to actually effect change in my own life and within my character, thus altering the trajectory and fortune of my life. These things I do know for certain. I know how to demonstrate self control for the betterment of my life and my children's lives. I know how to say no now because I was awful at it before, unto my own detriment. I know how to remove people unashamedly because their behavior justified their removal and that's answer enough. I know when I am moving from a place that still feels tender to me and I know when I am in my power. I know how to not make decisions when I am feeling emotional but to wait until I am able to see the situation clearly. I know my former short comings and patterns. I know the ways I had sabotaged. But more importantly now, I know the ways to hold my boundaries and stick to my decisions with little to no faulter.
What has this gained me? Health. I am still healing my body, as the damage was long suffering across the span of my entire life until this past year, when i went no contact entirely with some very key poisonous people.
When a child is born, it attunes to the nervous system of the parents, mainly the mother or primary caregiver, if it isn't the mother. A parent has the ability to consciously help a child regulate their nervous system, which I have made it a practice of doing with both of my younger children. The trouble was, until recently, we still had chaotic influences coming from all angles. My middle child is special needs and needs help with absoloutely everything. My youngest, I am able to teach him techniques, while also encouraging him to employ his own when I see/feel that he is off kilter. So, until I eliminated both outward and hidden (underhanded) influences, it was challenging to help the children find their homeostasis via my regulation and teaching my youngest to help himself.
Since we have closed all dangerous connections, there is a peace that has descended upon this home unlike anything I have ever seen, felt or witnessed. Some of you may be thinking; "well you can't just avoid people who aren't kind all the time..."
True. And it wasn't my plan to do so. Even now, I need the space and silence from people with ill or unconsciously poor intentions to stay out of my sphere while I rebuild my life and myself. I don't need someone standing over me insisting that "you're doing it wrong." First of all, there is NO ONE that has the right to say that to me or address me in that way. And I mean; NO ONE.
Second--- no one knows what they are doing here, most of us are just doing our best. We have no right to tell others how to live their lives or what to do. I've shared this everywhere I share anything. It isn't your life. It isn't your future. It isn't your past. Stay out of it. It's so simple and yet somehow, it gets messed up.
Where are we going from here? Anywhere! Where do I want to go? What do I want? How do I want it? I took all the power away from the people who I allowed to sh*t on lawn by removing their airspace to speak into my life. Even when they have attempted to reconnect, its laughable. All the word salad that comes out of their mouths, the person they are referencing (their version of me) is so far-fetched and farcical that it actually causes me to laugh a deep belly, hearty laugh. I do not have masochistic tendencies, nor do I have a death wish, therefore I have zero reason to allow these people back in, who have no desire to have a healthy relationship. The other side: having cleared these people, I am able to see clearly other "new" people who are just like them, so I can decline connection with them as well.
Do you see how this works? The pause. Clearing the lens of our minds/hearts/emotions etc, so that we can see ourselves and others clearly so we can make informed, loving, HEALTHY decisions. There is no introspection or clear sight when we just move on right away. It's impossible.
I hope this helped someone today. The road of recovery is a life long learning expereince, life-- is a life long experience. And I can't say I am in recovery so much any more, as I am learning how to live as a brand new version of myself whom I have never been before because I have never not been surrounded by such lowly, under-handed influences ever in my life! Honestly? I have never felt healthier, happier or more at peace ever in my life. xx
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